a.real.sad.story

while i went through my files i found this. well, you may be in the same situation. it could happen to you and me. read on.

15.oct.09

He asked me,  “How would you feel if i tell you that I want out of this relationship? And what would you do?”

I said: 

I would feel betrayed of course. I will cry a lot. I will ask you why and how it happened. I will ask you if there is someone else. I would prefer to hear you say YES rather than saying No, there isn’t  someone else, but then the truth is there is a ‘she’ standing next to me.  I  could curse you, would probably say the F word.  But if you’re sorry that you hurt me I will ask you to give ‘us’ another chance. If you still love me.  If you want to give it one more chance. But if you don’t,  I will not spend my lifetime making you love me wholly.  I would rather cry now than later when we are married you’d cheat on me. I am not going to keep you.  Because if I mean that much to you, you should have known my worth.  But think very hard.  Think what you are going to miss when you let go of me. Think of  the long years that we have been through. Think  over and over again.

Then he said, “I’m thinking what I’m going to miss if I don’t  tell her that I love her”.

Me:  “You are telling me that? In my face? Come on Jonas be serious.

Jonas: Of course I am sorry it has to end this way. I love you but my heart beats faster for her. I don’t want to cause you  pain by telling you more. You made me happy, I swear! But she completes me.

ME: Did I not complete you?  Maybe you just got excited and that you mistook that excitement for love. Did you get bored?  Ten Years Jonas! Do you want to put that away in just a snap?

Jonas: No Venus. I loved her the moment I realized that I am not just infatuated. I realized that I love her

when  everytime we speak I can be myself and that I am not thinking to impress her. I knew I love her when i began to think of her most of the time, particularly the last person I think when I close my eyes. I love her when she speaks my name. I thought I am not that guy for her. But thinking that way, it would really make me not that guy. But I want to be the man for her.  For years I convinced myself that there  is no way that we could be a couple. But the more I tell it to myself, the more my heart cries for her. I loved her for long I did not notice. I have lived my  whole life not realizing that what I’m looking for is right in front of me. I want to be there for her. 

ME: Jonas,   I mean every word I said. I am not the type of a woman who throws things.  Maybe I could slap you.  I would let you go, now that I know that someone else is the reason of your everything. Although I admit that it is painful, I don’t like to be the second best. I deserve to be happy with the person  who thinks am the one for him. But if there is still a little love left in you, I would cling to that and make you love me again.  But I am not your girlfriend. I can not assure you that she would do the same. As a friend, I hope you choose the one who could make you happy. Do not think of anyone else. Just you and that person.

Jonas: I’m torn. I don’t want to hurt her. But I love Maya.

ME: it’s your call.

She is Maya. He is Jonas. You bet it’s not their real names.  They were neighbors, went to kinder together, have the same alma mater,  both good looking. They have different friends growing up but shared common friends when they were young adults. She is introvert and he is the oposite.   He is INC. She is a Christian. They are good friends.  Maybe even best friends. Maya had 3 past relationships  and is currently dating a wonderful guy.  Jonas seem to be happy in his  10-year old relationship.  So when Maya told me that he is in love with Jonas, I don’t know what to say. She said it just happened and she has no plans of telling him. She is the type of girl who waits. But then, most of us do. That was a year ago and now she is engaged to Paul. Finally!

Jonas called to tell me about her wedding. And I told him that I already knew and happy about it.  Imagine my surprise when he cried and told me that he loves her! I was stunned. And again I don’t know what to say.  Was it my fault not telling Jonas about how Maya felt for him 2 years ago? Or was it his fault not telling Maya?  Or could it be Maya’s fault?  He said that  it just happened.  “What  should I do?” he asked. What should I tell him? Should I keep my silence?. He asked me, “If you are my girlfriend, how would you feel? And what would you do?”

My job is to let them talk. I made up a story telling them both to meet up and ask the other what was it all about.   

The next email I got from both of them is not at all like what we see in the movies.  Jonas got the worst break-up, then admitted to  Maya about his feelings. Maya  can’t call the engagement off. Paul will be devastated. But  jonas emphasized that his gf was devastated too. It is obvious that they love each other. Maya wrote: Marrying and loving a person are two different things. It is possible that the one you love the most is not the person you married.

I was sad.  Because everyone deserves to be happy. At least Jonas got to tell the girl  of his dreams that he loves her.He is now free of the could-have beens and the what if’s, had he chosen to keep his silence.  And Maya,with tears in her eyes asked Jonas “Why only now? I have been waiting for this moment to come. Can we sacrifice those people who love us so much?”  if I were on her shoes, I don’t know how to tell my fiance about it, too. But If It happens to me, I will choose the one who can make me laugh and can talk about everything over and over again, because he will continue to do so for the rest of my mortal life. Because there will come a point in a married life that the only precious thing you can hold on to is laughter and a feel good conversation. Most people fail at whatever they attempt because of an undecided heart. Should I? Should I not? Go forward? Go back? Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart. When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape. A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right. Why? Because conditions are never exactly right. Indecision limits the Almighty and His ability to perform miracles in your life.

When Maya stood up and head for the door, Jonas  said, “you’re all worth it Maya”.  But Maya  never looked back.  Well, she should have.

Till We Meet Again

She was the first person who was very nice to me when I was assigned in the Treasury Department 15 years ago. She was patient enough to teach me.  She was one among the few with genuine smiles.  She said she would like me to be her daughter-in-law and she will give me all her jewelries J.  That I politely declined with my warmest smile. Her son and I are purely friends and that we don’t see each other differently as lovers do. But she said, “Never mind the spark, it will come later.”  But young as we were and very idealistic, we gave importance to LOVE. She stopped asking me to be her daughter-in-law when her son married the girl of his dreams. That was when I became comfortable joking around her and calling her Mommy Ems J  I  cannot remember but I think I spent almost a year in  LGU Victoria and worked in a bank afterwards then moved to Manila to practice my teaching profession.  That’s when I met the man of my choice and saw less of her. There was one time when I introduced him to her when we were both in Victoria for the holidays. She said, “nagwap gwapo met ay anak ko a nga adayu” (my son is far more good looking than your bf). I just laughed and told her that he is also Ilocano and understood what she said. She did not take it back, instead she told him that she really liked me to be her daughter-in-law.

Whatever private opinion they have about her, I couldn’t care less. They say she was very frank and straightforward and offended some, I remember her as the gentle woman who smiles so sweetly. Who did not offend any single soul in their entire life, if I may ask? Who did not become a bitch even for a while? But She is not perfect. And so are we. But to many she remains to be the graceful and cheerful lady of the Treasury Department. I remember her courageousness and bravery. I admire her convictions. Her colleagues will remember her selflessness. Her smiles will remain in my memory. Her battle against cancer has ended. Her frail body  surrendered  to her illness. She may not be as beautiful as she was during her hay day, but her heart is beautiful. I will remember her fondly. I remember I told my cousin that I would like to see her. She said I better not if i will just cry. They know that it’s hard for me to suppress my tears and Manang Emy doesn’t like to see anyone crying. Because surely she will not just cry.

She is Manang Emy to everyone. And though she was not really my mother-in-law, I am glad that once in this lifetime we were in-laws in our unique ways. May you rest in peace Mommy Ems. Till we meet again.

He wished me LOVE

 During Christmas, hearts are more softened, more forgiving, more grateful, more giving, more joyful, more sharing, more loving, more trusting, more believing. I am excited what to give. Ah, the spirit of Filipino Christmas. Let us give freely to the world these gifts of love and compassion. May we not concern ourselves with how much we receive in return, just know in our hearts it will be returned.

I am not expecting to get a Christmas gift this year. Although some surprised me with an earlier gift and I so love it. I am not planning to buy myself a gift, either. That could wait. What kept me busy and net inactive during the last week was thinking how to share my blessings and putting it into action. And I have my favourite person. I was excited to see Tatay St. Joseph. I call him that because he stays at St. Joseph Parish at Project 3 during the day, asking for alms and sleeps somewhere in Sta. Mesa. I forgot his real name already.  My sister Razi was a teacher in QC that time, and every Christmastime we have so much food on our table that we have to share it among our neighbours in Manila.  We saw tatay one Sunday after our church service. His face is so gentle and he always smiles so we gave him alms and interviewed him a little. He said that his family was caught in a fire and lost them. He dared not to go back to his province but joined some other beggars in Sta. Mesa. He told us that St. Joseph is his favourite place to stay because first, It is a church and God will protect him there and people will have a kind heart to give him alms after hearing the mass.  Secondly, it is easier to travel from Sta. Mesa.  We were touched by his story that we bought grocery for him and gave it the next day before we went home in the province. It has been an annual thing for me and my sister to give him present since then. Aside from the alms we give each time we see him.

His eyes lit up when he saw me with my bag of grocers! I was so happy to see him. Thank God he is still alive after so many years! He remembers my sister too and I told him that she is in Thailand and has a family of her own already. We exchanged stories, much from my part and pretty still the same from him. Old age showed in his face already. I hope I could give him more than the bag of grocers. I should have bought him a Tshirt  that says ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ on it.  And a slipper to make his feet more comfortable. I was thinking all these things for a while. Then he said that what I gave him is more than enough. Few people often stopped by to talk to him, he said. When he said ‘Thank You’, my heart is full. I will definitely see him before New Year and I hope to see more of him in the years to come. I forgot to take a picture with him so I could share it with Razi. Next time I will not forget. I will not forget to ask his full name, I will not forget to carry a prayer in my heart for him, I will not forget him. May God keep him safe always.  I was so close to teary eyes so I wished him good health always. He wished me Love. That made me smile so wide. J

Lessons learned from the Viaduct

I have been passing  this ‘long bridge’ from Tarlac to Manila for as long as I remember. Every time I was being fetched and when asked where I was, I would say. “i’m still at the long bridge”. It was only last year when  duggs, a friend of mine,  told me that it was called a viaduct. From then on, each time I pass the Candaba viaduct, I swear I saw it differently.  And 3 days ago, I was mesmerized by the view.  Rain-fed lowland Candaba looked like the sea ,  thus the  beginning of the second crop season. It occured to me that I have  always been fascinated with the farm rice. Or anything that has to do with Rice, that is.  Then I saw those migratory birds that escaped winter and their wings brought them here. How I love to  take a shot! Darn. If only I am not on a bus. Or  not at the viaduct. I noticed that these birds are all around. A visual salute to farmland and refuge panoramic moments, these birds (am still researching about them)  take refuge in a walking wetlands:  their home at least until the winter is over.

But what I would like to say is that the viaduct is an allegory of life and expectations, where someone leaves his past , walks away from all  unwanted and boring events in his life and travels to his much awaited and anticipated future. He discovers that along the viaduct there are innumerable travellers that seeks the same fate as he does. Some people anxious to go back and others excited to leave. We take different sides.  We must understand  that along the way we learn. That these sights, these views, these strangers, the stretch of either side of the road paves the way to that onward perspective that we long for.  Be sure you know where you are going because if you don’t, any road will get you there. For me, at the end of this viaduct, there is the road that leads me to  what I call home.

Not my pet peeves

I am a dog lover. And my dogs loved me, loves me and will always love me, I'm quite sure of that. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. I have learned that from our dogs. They speak LOYALTY. One more thing that I like most about them is that they wag their tails, not their tongue. I would really like to think that when I talk to them, they listen to me intently and they do what they are told. I was feeding my dog Andocks one time and it just smelled the cookie so I offered it to the little pup, jungle. The senior snarled at the puppy reminding the little one who's the boss and that it meant to teach jungle that what is for Andock's is for Andocks's alone, The little one just whimpered, afraid of the senior's fangs of authority. With that, I came to jungle's rescue, threatening Andocks that if it won't eat that cookie, I will surely not feed him lunch. Our eyes locked, mine telling him I'm the big boss. It then bowed its head, picked up the cookie, went away and dropped it. I saw what it did and again repeated the threat. It picked the cookie again and ran far away from me. I secretly followed the dog with my eyes and voila, checking if I was not in sight, dropped it again and went back home. 

I hope that I get to keep my pets beyond mortal life. Our cat is not as sweet as our dogs maybe because it was just a stray cat and she's not used to being touched, but she is my jungle's best friend. They share the same  bed =) I imagine that they will also enjoy eternity with us. I feel that dogs have made an alliance with us. They bark at our enemies and we protect them just the same. I find simple things are enjoyable such as a walk around the block. They sure follow me EVERYWHERE the moment I opened the gate. I say dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. I hope you enjoy  this commercial  as much as I do.

   Love and friendship. They are what makes us who we are, and what can change us, if we let them

 a spoiled puppy. He loves to be cuddled. But soon to be a proud dog like his mentor, andocks II.

The best dogs. Andocks will treat you the same way how you treat him. remember: He doesn't forget =)

Come, Come Ye Saints

I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They are going to renovate our chapel this December so I snapped a few remembrances before we see another one erected on the same spot. It would be the third time since it was first built 15 years ago. 

So far this design is what I like most. The lawn, the basketball court and the parking area make it more enticing and they add reverence to the building as a whole.

I admit, I believe the whole bunch of teachings of my church but like me, members aren't perfect. And like any other church denominations, no one can claim that they have the perfect congregation. Although I must say that if members live the teachings of the church they belong to, I think this place called Earth is a better place to live in. Each of us can contribute to a betterment of our common home.

But that makes our world so interesting. We are given options. We have to choose. However perfect our religion seem to be, it's still up to us.  So you see, whatever it is that we do, 'there is a law irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world upon which all blessings are predicated'. And if we choose the right, there is a blessing that goes with it. When we choose otherwise, there entails a consequence. In fact, our deeds mirrored the religion we belong to. Society tells us that. It may sound absurd but I agree. If you 'let your light so shine before men...they may see your good works and glorify your father which is in heaven'. Sometimes it is unfair to blame it on our religion when we do things not in accordance to what our doctrine dictates or when our actions contradict the norm.  But then again, we will be judged individually not as a group so we work on our own salvation.

My personal stand is that we should do look out for each other. That is if the love we feel is genuine. After all, we are our brothers' keeper.We shouldn't sell our brothers and sisters, should we? And on personal note again, we shouldn't stop attending church services because a pastor, a priest, a nun, an evangelist, a bishop, or a member had wronged us or one way or the other, offended us. We are there to worship our Savior. We are doing it for Him, not for anyone else.

from left to right: Bishop's whitey, Kapitan Cortado's adventure, My service, and Inang's taxikel :)

 a  lot of parties and wedding receptions took place here. The last was my sister Raziel's wedding  in March 2010.

driveway

ah the infamous basketball court. It's not an LDS church without one.

The Single Adult picnics, Relief Society activities, Youth Food trips, Elder's Quorum bonding and Primary Games. This spot witnessed them all.

And this is my spot. I long to have my picture taken here soon before  we transfer.

i hope this mango tree stays....

Mother and I together with Gabriel, my nephew.

I Am Miss Conception

cousin Afe followed me and took this pictures because she thought I hung clothes with style :)

I am 33 and I just took notice that there are a lot of misconceptions about me. Not that I care much about how people think of me but the fact that  it took me this long to notice only means that I am not living my life for other people. Sure I’ve had fair shares of my bad choices but I am tough enough to deal with the consequences that entail them. That is how I grow. That is how I deal with life.

Early in life I learned that life is what you make it. So I vowed not to care so much about what others think of me. Character is what matters most because that sums up the “me” in myself rather than minding about my reputation because that is merely the opinion of others about me.

Top 10 misconceptions

1.      JUST WITTY.  My father forced me to join a beauty pageant a long time ago and I got the crown. But I don’t like the idea of wearing that crown every day of my life so to speak. That did not change the fact that I like wearing what I  like to wear or I need a little make over. So I had a reputation of not a beauty queen but more of articulate.

2.      JUST BEAUTIFUL.  This teacher thought of me as a young girl who has got the looks. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have gray matter. Before the semester ends he told me how his first impression of me did not last that long. I would like to quote him saying: “You were just fine sitting there and glowing because you happen to have a pretty face but the moment you opened your mouth, I was on guard because that pretty lady is listening intently whether I talked with sense or just gibberish.”

3.      IRREVERENT. I hope children nowadays are taught how to differentiate the word irreverent from being cheerful so when they grow old they won’t teach the same mistakes. Laughing to your heart’s content doesn’t mean you are one loud person.

4.      PROUD. When sore trials came upon us, and were brought down very low, exercise humility. But that won’t strip us our dignity of standing once again, with head held up high. That is not being proud. You just don’t want to stay low for long and be trampled upon. That is what we call Moving On with dignity.

5.      PERFECT. I think those people who called me a perfect person in their sweetest smiles is their sarcastic way of saying that we are waiting for your bad move. Duh! I have so many bad moves, ya’ll. That is why I don’t play chess lately J. Why don’t they try to get a life of their own and start living it. Are their lives that boring and mine is so interesting?

6.      RICH. Now this one is very funny.  I am NOT rich, my goodness! I just have taste and style. And sometimes I dress carelessly. How could that be rich?

7.      POOR. In mortality, I guess they are right. But do they know that I am building my kingdom in heaven? LOL! Now that I said it, I hope I can fulfill it and endure these misconceptions throughout my entire mortal life.

8.      OLD MAID FOREVER. Funniest thing ever. Although the church I belong to do not encourage single blessedness, I do not want to be married to a person that I will regret marrying for all eternity. Impatient neighbours, impatient gossipers, impatient parents J  Remember that patience is a virtue.

9.      IMPOLITE. Weeeh. Lol! Snob yes. Those are two different things.  I snob people I don’t know, people I do not like and those who doesn’t like me but never to people that matters.

10.   TERROR.  I don’t want to explain this J

Maybe a little of these misconceptions are true. I have the tendencies to be exactly the  same person they pictured me to be. But all of these are unimportant when you have your family and real friends by your side. That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you  even if you are not so lovable. Then you can truly say, “I am lucky!”. So let me be the judge of myself. True what Antoine de Saint – Exupery said, ‘It is much harder to judge yourself than to judge others. If you succeed in judging yourself, it’s because you are truly a wise man.”