I don't want to understand you

These pictures have nothing to do with my post. Just a random picture taken by my friend during one of our travels. I also do not know the guy =)

I don’t want to understand you anymore. Behind your smiles, hides a sharp, poisonous fang that kills slowly.

Behind that laughter lies the bitter thoughts of wrath.  You cover your intentions with soft-spoken words with potion to destroy.

Your plated good deeds accumulate high interest of hate and detest.  You loathe gossip but the irony of it sustains you.

You keep your animosity to people who hurt you; in return you hurt them back, not realizing you are inflicting the same pain to yourself. It is obvious that you don’t know that there is no excuse for bad behavior.

 You, who give the impression of not hurting a fly can in fact draw hundred of swords in one breath and have the ability to shatter dreams. 

You, who preach charity but never practice it. You to me are likened to a hydra, petrified by the very eyes of Medusa so you seek refuge to Olympus. And you mistook your gods’ feigning support as a sign of you being divine. Wake up. Because you never will be. 

You have lost your reason and have taken the wrong path. You have taken lies for truth and hideousness for beauty.

You marvel if, owing to strange events of some sorts, frogs and lizards are actually magical creatures, or if roses began to smell like stagnant water; so I marvel at you who exchange heaven for earth.

I don’t want to understand you.

dream - catcher

Good Morning picture. There, finally had the courage to take a picture first thing after
 I opened my eyes in the morning and post it.

My dreams carried you to me and I to you

through portals that stay open

lighted by the blue moon that whispered the magical words

softly, like a kiss, that floats in the air

embracing you, embracing me

My dreams carried me to you

like a river following its path to an endless possibility

like the stars that know its course

like a pebble being tossed about

and yet leads to a road that goes on and on

My dreams carried you to me

with the sight and smell

that  brings me back to our world where

the unspoken truth understood

where the melodies familiar

where our hearts meet

 My dreams carried me to you

and that Eden lives inside you and breathe Creation

 to endless gardens and twinkling stars

where we live in joy forever

You in me, and me in you.

Myanmar, Samsung and I

I love full moons. And Mandalay has made me appreciate it  even more. Almost every full moon is celebrated with a festival in Myanmar. And I commited these holidays into memory. If there are  two things I like about Myanmar,  it is these full moon festivals and its sunsrise and sunset. Personally I think it is picturesque and captivating. I am positive that we get breathtaking view of the sun wherever part of the world we are. But here, It is usually  the first thing you’ll ever notice. I just regret I did not bring my camera to capture this beautiful thing that makes me want to wake up early every morning. But the snapper in me finds a way – Bless the android phones J

Time doesn’t fly here.  Most of the time I get bored. Maybe because I don’t have anything else to do here. However mundane my life has become, I have learned to use it to my advantage. I get the chance to really re asses, think, and plan my next move. Good news is, I can’t wait to start! But at the moment, I am going to enjoy Myanmar. Here is the checklist I need to do:

1.       Sneak-swim at Sedona Hotel’s inviting pool (non-members are not allowed)

2.       Hike Mandalay Hill and nearby hills J

3.       Go to Bagan

4.       Visit Golden Mountain in Yangon

5.       Put Thanaka on the face  the same ways Burmese do

6.       Take Pictures

7.       Walk around the Mandalay  Mote

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I wrote the one above about 2 months ago and it is still saved in My Blogs file. As I read it again, I was amazed to see how I am fulfilling everything in my check list.  I still have to go to BAGAN and to the GOLDEN MOUNTAIN though. Though I brought my camera now with me, I am hoping to take more pictures and to travel more around Mandalay. I have to take a picture of myself  with Thanaka on my face too!

I must admit that when homesickness kicks in, I long to go home in an instant. But the incredible part is that I don’t feel that so forlorn anymore being in this country.I think because I set my mind to be happy. And personally, I think each of us should really make a radical change once in a while in our lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which we may previously never have thought of doing, or been hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of whicch may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

As much as we would like to bolt for home as quickly as possible, sometimes it is therapeutic to unleash the  adventurous spirits hiding in the still deep. Home will always be there. We will always long for home. That is certain. But once in a while we have to leave home and bring back with us new discoveries. Otherwise, we see ourselves right back to the same situation which we see everyday and thus fail to discover all the wonderful things that God has placed around us to discover. I'm not saying we have to be nomadic. And I don't want to be one. What I am saying is we just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and take the opportunity to revolutionize our life and move into an entirely new realm of experience. 


For a start, bug some friends, along with trusted male friends (you don't know when you will be needing some male intimidation, or just having  them around is pure fun - you know, THEM, being hilarious and all, hehehe) and hit the road. Drive around. Maybe you'll see that familiar road with a different eye from now on. And drive more, with your companion holding a map, or a GPS inside your car, or trust your google map or just asking your way around.  Then you'll know what I am talking about. It's worth it even when you get lost :)

a.real.sad.story

while i went through my files i found this. well, you may be in the same situation. it could happen to you and me. read on.

15.oct.09

He asked me,  “How would you feel if i tell you that I want out of this relationship? And what would you do?”

I said: 

I would feel betrayed of course. I will cry a lot. I will ask you why and how it happened. I will ask you if there is someone else. I would prefer to hear you say YES rather than saying No, there isn’t  someone else, but then the truth is there is a ‘she’ standing next to me.  I  could curse you, would probably say the F word.  But if you’re sorry that you hurt me I will ask you to give ‘us’ another chance. If you still love me.  If you want to give it one more chance. But if you don’t,  I will not spend my lifetime making you love me wholly.  I would rather cry now than later when we are married you’d cheat on me. I am not going to keep you.  Because if I mean that much to you, you should have known my worth.  But think very hard.  Think what you are going to miss when you let go of me. Think of  the long years that we have been through. Think  over and over again.

Then he said, “I’m thinking what I’m going to miss if I don’t  tell her that I love her”.

Me:  “You are telling me that? In my face? Come on Jonas be serious.

Jonas: Of course I am sorry it has to end this way. I love you but my heart beats faster for her. I don’t want to cause you  pain by telling you more. You made me happy, I swear! But she completes me.

ME: Did I not complete you?  Maybe you just got excited and that you mistook that excitement for love. Did you get bored?  Ten Years Jonas! Do you want to put that away in just a snap?

Jonas: No Venus. I loved her the moment I realized that I am not just infatuated. I realized that I love her

when  everytime we speak I can be myself and that I am not thinking to impress her. I knew I love her when i began to think of her most of the time, particularly the last person I think when I close my eyes. I love her when she speaks my name. I thought I am not that guy for her. But thinking that way, it would really make me not that guy. But I want to be the man for her.  For years I convinced myself that there  is no way that we could be a couple. But the more I tell it to myself, the more my heart cries for her. I loved her for long I did not notice. I have lived my  whole life not realizing that what I’m looking for is right in front of me. I want to be there for her. 

ME: Jonas,   I mean every word I said. I am not the type of a woman who throws things.  Maybe I could slap you.  I would let you go, now that I know that someone else is the reason of your everything. Although I admit that it is painful, I don’t like to be the second best. I deserve to be happy with the person  who thinks am the one for him. But if there is still a little love left in you, I would cling to that and make you love me again.  But I am not your girlfriend. I can not assure you that she would do the same. As a friend, I hope you choose the one who could make you happy. Do not think of anyone else. Just you and that person.

Jonas: I’m torn. I don’t want to hurt her. But I love Maya.

ME: it’s your call.

She is Maya. He is Jonas. You bet it’s not their real names.  They were neighbors, went to kinder together, have the same alma mater,  both good looking. They have different friends growing up but shared common friends when they were young adults. She is introvert and he is the oposite.   He is INC. She is a Christian. They are good friends.  Maybe even best friends. Maya had 3 past relationships  and is currently dating a wonderful guy.  Jonas seem to be happy in his  10-year old relationship.  So when Maya told me that he is in love with Jonas, I don’t know what to say. She said it just happened and she has no plans of telling him. She is the type of girl who waits. But then, most of us do. That was a year ago and now she is engaged to Paul. Finally!

Jonas called to tell me about her wedding. And I told him that I already knew and happy about it.  Imagine my surprise when he cried and told me that he loves her! I was stunned. And again I don’t know what to say.  Was it my fault not telling Jonas about how Maya felt for him 2 years ago? Or was it his fault not telling Maya?  Or could it be Maya’s fault?  He said that  it just happened.  “What  should I do?” he asked. What should I tell him? Should I keep my silence?. He asked me, “If you are my girlfriend, how would you feel? And what would you do?”

My job is to let them talk. I made up a story telling them both to meet up and ask the other what was it all about.   

The next email I got from both of them is not at all like what we see in the movies.  Jonas got the worst break-up, then admitted to  Maya about his feelings. Maya  can’t call the engagement off. Paul will be devastated. But  jonas emphasized that his gf was devastated too. It is obvious that they love each other. Maya wrote: Marrying and loving a person are two different things. It is possible that the one you love the most is not the person you married.

I was sad.  Because everyone deserves to be happy. At least Jonas got to tell the girl  of his dreams that he loves her.He is now free of the could-have beens and the what if’s, had he chosen to keep his silence.  And Maya,with tears in her eyes asked Jonas “Why only now? I have been waiting for this moment to come. Can we sacrifice those people who love us so much?”  if I were on her shoes, I don’t know how to tell my fiance about it, too. But If It happens to me, I will choose the one who can make me laugh and can talk about everything over and over again, because he will continue to do so for the rest of my mortal life. Because there will come a point in a married life that the only precious thing you can hold on to is laughter and a feel good conversation. Most people fail at whatever they attempt because of an undecided heart. Should I? Should I not? Go forward? Go back? Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart. When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape. A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right. Why? Because conditions are never exactly right. Indecision limits the Almighty and His ability to perform miracles in your life.

When Maya stood up and head for the door, Jonas  said, “you’re all worth it Maya”.  But Maya  never looked back.  Well, she should have.

Till We Meet Again

She was the first person who was very nice to me when I was assigned in the Treasury Department 15 years ago. She was patient enough to teach me.  She was one among the few with genuine smiles.  She said she would like me to be her daughter-in-law and she will give me all her jewelries J.  That I politely declined with my warmest smile. Her son and I are purely friends and that we don’t see each other differently as lovers do. But she said, “Never mind the spark, it will come later.”  But young as we were and very idealistic, we gave importance to LOVE. She stopped asking me to be her daughter-in-law when her son married the girl of his dreams. That was when I became comfortable joking around her and calling her Mommy Ems J  I  cannot remember but I think I spent almost a year in  LGU Victoria and worked in a bank afterwards then moved to Manila to practice my teaching profession.  That’s when I met the man of my choice and saw less of her. There was one time when I introduced him to her when we were both in Victoria for the holidays. She said, “nagwap gwapo met ay anak ko a nga adayu” (my son is far more good looking than your bf). I just laughed and told her that he is also Ilocano and understood what she said. She did not take it back, instead she told him that she really liked me to be her daughter-in-law.

Whatever private opinion they have about her, I couldn’t care less. They say she was very frank and straightforward and offended some, I remember her as the gentle woman who smiles so sweetly. Who did not offend any single soul in their entire life, if I may ask? Who did not become a bitch even for a while? But She is not perfect. And so are we. But to many she remains to be the graceful and cheerful lady of the Treasury Department. I remember her courageousness and bravery. I admire her convictions. Her colleagues will remember her selflessness. Her smiles will remain in my memory. Her battle against cancer has ended. Her frail body  surrendered  to her illness. She may not be as beautiful as she was during her hay day, but her heart is beautiful. I will remember her fondly. I remember I told my cousin that I would like to see her. She said I better not if i will just cry. They know that it’s hard for me to suppress my tears and Manang Emy doesn’t like to see anyone crying. Because surely she will not just cry.

She is Manang Emy to everyone. And though she was not really my mother-in-law, I am glad that once in this lifetime we were in-laws in our unique ways. May you rest in peace Mommy Ems. Till we meet again.

He wished me LOVE

 During Christmas, hearts are more softened, more forgiving, more grateful, more giving, more joyful, more sharing, more loving, more trusting, more believing. I am excited what to give. Ah, the spirit of Filipino Christmas. Let us give freely to the world these gifts of love and compassion. May we not concern ourselves with how much we receive in return, just know in our hearts it will be returned.

I am not expecting to get a Christmas gift this year. Although some surprised me with an earlier gift and I so love it. I am not planning to buy myself a gift, either. That could wait. What kept me busy and net inactive during the last week was thinking how to share my blessings and putting it into action. And I have my favourite person. I was excited to see Tatay St. Joseph. I call him that because he stays at St. Joseph Parish at Project 3 during the day, asking for alms and sleeps somewhere in Sta. Mesa. I forgot his real name already.  My sister Razi was a teacher in QC that time, and every Christmastime we have so much food on our table that we have to share it among our neighbours in Manila.  We saw tatay one Sunday after our church service. His face is so gentle and he always smiles so we gave him alms and interviewed him a little. He said that his family was caught in a fire and lost them. He dared not to go back to his province but joined some other beggars in Sta. Mesa. He told us that St. Joseph is his favourite place to stay because first, It is a church and God will protect him there and people will have a kind heart to give him alms after hearing the mass.  Secondly, it is easier to travel from Sta. Mesa.  We were touched by his story that we bought grocery for him and gave it the next day before we went home in the province. It has been an annual thing for me and my sister to give him present since then. Aside from the alms we give each time we see him.

His eyes lit up when he saw me with my bag of grocers! I was so happy to see him. Thank God he is still alive after so many years! He remembers my sister too and I told him that she is in Thailand and has a family of her own already. We exchanged stories, much from my part and pretty still the same from him. Old age showed in his face already. I hope I could give him more than the bag of grocers. I should have bought him a Tshirt  that says ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ on it.  And a slipper to make his feet more comfortable. I was thinking all these things for a while. Then he said that what I gave him is more than enough. Few people often stopped by to talk to him, he said. When he said ‘Thank You’, my heart is full. I will definitely see him before New Year and I hope to see more of him in the years to come. I forgot to take a picture with him so I could share it with Razi. Next time I will not forget. I will not forget to ask his full name, I will not forget to carry a prayer in my heart for him, I will not forget him. May God keep him safe always.  I was so close to teary eyes so I wished him good health always. He wished me Love. That made me smile so wide. J

Lessons learned from the Viaduct

I have been passing  this ‘long bridge’ from Tarlac to Manila for as long as I remember. Every time I was being fetched and when asked where I was, I would say. “i’m still at the long bridge”. It was only last year when  duggs, a friend of mine,  told me that it was called a viaduct. From then on, each time I pass the Candaba viaduct, I swear I saw it differently.  And 3 days ago, I was mesmerized by the view.  Rain-fed lowland Candaba looked like the sea ,  thus the  beginning of the second crop season. It occured to me that I have  always been fascinated with the farm rice. Or anything that has to do with Rice, that is.  Then I saw those migratory birds that escaped winter and their wings brought them here. How I love to  take a shot! Darn. If only I am not on a bus. Or  not at the viaduct. I noticed that these birds are all around. A visual salute to farmland and refuge panoramic moments, these birds (am still researching about them)  take refuge in a walking wetlands:  their home at least until the winter is over.

But what I would like to say is that the viaduct is an allegory of life and expectations, where someone leaves his past , walks away from all  unwanted and boring events in his life and travels to his much awaited and anticipated future. He discovers that along the viaduct there are innumerable travellers that seeks the same fate as he does. Some people anxious to go back and others excited to leave. We take different sides.  We must understand  that along the way we learn. That these sights, these views, these strangers, the stretch of either side of the road paves the way to that onward perspective that we long for.  Be sure you know where you are going because if you don’t, any road will get you there. For me, at the end of this viaduct, there is the road that leads me to  what I call home.